Monday, 27 December 2010

DC: Ginny and Snape's Sexual Adventures In Bed

Need I say this is not safe for work? I don't think I need to, you're not stupid, dear reader. Unlike the writer of this... Thing. I thought I'd do this for two reasons: firstly, a friend nagged me to. Secondly, it's very short. Therefore, you can have it as a bridge-thing until I find something both awful and long. Like Deserving! I, uh... I think I just found something awful and long. And also quite disturbing... I should probably do this before I change my mind. Right, as you can tell, this is a Harry Potter badfic. Can you guess what it's about, dear reader? I'll give you a clue: it's not what you think.


ginny weasley was just starting her first day of Hogwarts [bear in mind she'd be 11. Bear that in mind through the fic] when she heard some good news
mom I got made a perfect [Mary Suedom has struck already. Also, it's fifth years that get made Prefects, not first years that are just starting. Deary me], she said becaue an owl had just come in with a letter
that's good said her mom [speech marks. Where are they?] and she gave her a new set of sparkling robes [I'm pretty sure that's a violation of the uniform. That's the least of our problems.]
ginnys new robes were so glittering that people stared at her everywhere she walked because they were so beautiful and expensive and glittering ["Calling the Department of Redundancy Department to the latest badfic!"]. the boys on the train told her that they were the pretties robes [we all like the pretties] they have ever seen and ginny started blushing a little bit and then a boy called harry potter came [hur hur] on the train and saw her robes and fell in love with her because he always liked it when girls wore pretty robes so he asked her to marry him but im too young she said [OH GOD, MY HEAD! Agh, this feels like it was written by a two year-old.]
its ok he said [no, seriously. Where are the speech marks?]. we can get married without telling anyone and we can get married in the room of requierwment [Harry found out about that room in his fifth year. This is his second. May I just ask, what the fuck?]
ok she said and he gave her a pretty ring that sparkeld like her new robes [Possibly the writer is a simpleton. I was writing more cogently than this when I was 7. But that's not difficult. Where did he get the ring from? One is reminded of that episode of 'Green, Green Grass' when Boycie says that Del always carried around an engagement ring, just in case he got engaged.]
she went back to were her friends [canon: where is it? This is her FIRST DAY. She has NOT been exposed to other wizarding families prior to this point. What's going on?!] were sitting and showd them her new shining ring. that's so pretty they said who gave it to you? harry potter said ginny and all the girls started screaming and yelling because they liked harry potter to. [WHERE ARE THE FUCKING SPEECH MARKS?! Oh, I give up already.]
so are ou getting married to harry potter asked Sabrina ginnys teenage witch friend. well yeah said ginny. I didn't even know you guys likes eachoter [well, I suppose it at least skips the sexual tension that built up during the canon. It also skips the story] said meredth ginnys other beaitful witch friend [I'm getting fed up of this]. I like him hes pretty nice said ginny
do you love him asked tulla ginnys other best friend who was really pretty. saud ginny. why would I love him I just met him she said in a screamy voice. [You're getting married to him and you only just met him. Oh, what the fuck... Seriously, what the fuck?]
but he is very hott said Sabrina tulla and meredith [the hive mind is once again in effect, dear reader. Also, how can he be 'hott'? He's 12!]. ginny threw her ring out the window [how ungrateful. Also, why?] and it fell on the train tracks. the train wheel ran over it and the train fell off the tracks [how big was that ring?] and on to its side. oh look what you've done now said ron Weasley who was another boy in their grade that ginny likes. [He's... Her... Brother... Whaa? WHAA?! WHAT THE SHITCOCK?!]
it wasn't my fault said ginny but ron just glared at her and left to go talk to harry ginny looked at her friends and saw that they were all dead because the train fell over. [Aaaaaaaargh...]
oh im sad now said ginny [that's probably what I'd say if I'd accidentally killed everyone] and she sat down and cried and cried and cride until she had no more wetness in her body ["wetness in her body" That's not a good thing to say. It sounds very wrong] so she drinks more water and crides more [Here we go with poor tenses...]
then harry potter came in her compartment and he was alive and he said ginny im so happy youre alive now we can go get married isn't that great [I mourn the death of punctuation. Also, the characters are appalling.]
but ginny doesn't think its so great because she ditched his ring and she cant tell him and she thinks she might also like ron Weasley a bit more than harry potter [HE'S HER BROTHER!] and she is very popular and can get any boy she likes of course [of course. She's a Mary Sue after all] becaue she is gorjus and has pretty sparkling robes and lots of friends that are now dead. [How very flippant. Almost to the point of humour. Almost.]
harry i lost your ring im so sorry what can I do? she asked quickly squirting water in her eye so it looked like she was crying [How very devious. But I thought she'd been crying anyway?]
don't cry my dear its ok when we get to Hogwarts I will buy you a new ring and we can get married then because it would be fun ok? [o.0]
ok [Sp- Oh, forget it!]
so the train gets in Hogwarts and ginny gets off [hur hur] but she forgets that harry is sleeping so she leaves with ron Weasley because she kinda likes him [he's her brother. I'm not going to stop saying that. Also, she's an idiot] and they walk into the eating hall [it's called a 'dining room', or in this case a 'great hall'. I'm sorry if that's too complex for your tiny brain] togather to eat some pumpkin becayse that is what everyone eats in Hogwarts, [I must have missed that part of the canon.]
ginny sits down [TENSES!] next to her best friends Katie and batie because they are the more beautiful and popular people in the world except for ginny and they have blonde hair that shines down their backs because they are identical twins and get mixed up a lot/ [Blah, blah, blah, blah...]
so ginny site with them and ron Weasley because she likes him a lot [yes, we know. But they're still siblings] and they eat a bunch of pumpkins and get realy fat [because it's that instantaneous] and go to sleep in their beds
ginny wakes up in the night beccuz shes having [tenses. Tenses. Tenses. Tenses. It's starting to get on my tits] a bad dream and in her dream she was falling down [That's not bad. That's normal.]
so she runs down to the commonroom and ron Weasley is sitting there in the chair and she likes him [FUCKING HELL] so she blushes a whole lot and says hi and he says hi too [It was a riveting conversation.]
do you like me ron she asks yes he sais [siblings. Do not want]. that's cool she said and runs to the chair by the fire because she got coled and ron Weasley the boy she likes [ >.> ] asked her if she wanted any water [I'd have offered wine. But that's because I'm approximately infinitely more mature than these muppets] but she said no thanx
in the morning she walked down to eat and she wasn't hungry because she eat so much pumpkin yester day but she eats with ron Weasley again and they have froot loops because they feel loopy today. sarah and Rachel ginnys best friends come down join then and they eat a lot of lucky charms because they are feeling lucky that day. [That's terrible. I hate to say it, but My Immortal is actually better than this.]
in potions class snape [time for sex?] asks ginny a qyestuion and she doesn't know the answer so ron Weasley tells her its cocroch and she gets a good grade in the class [Oh.]
after class ron Weasley goes up to gunny and says do you want to go to hogsmade with me on Sunday?]] [Siblings. Still do not want.]


Well, that was horrendous. Fortunately, nothing else in this tale has ever been written. Did you notice there was no sex? The offtopic title seems to throw everyone. And now... Now I'm going to go and contract food poisoning. Simply so that I can cough up blood and have a better time that I had doing this.

Until next time!
Teddy

2 comments:

Kei_Kun said...

Maybe the spirit of the Harry Potter series throttled the writer before another chapter could be written?

Anonymous said...

No comment on the Sabrina the Teenage Witch shoutout? //chuckles

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